Gayer than a Padda-bure

As a young lass, I never really understood why my mother lied about her age. I remember VERY clearly fighting with our maid, Yuko, as she insisted in her broken Japlish that my mother was 33. I defended her to the death as best I could standing by the fact that she was….29. That’s what I used to hear her say. Yuko, did a math problem too difficult for my 5 year old brain to comprehend, explaining that for how many kids she had and how old we were, we could NOT be 29. But, like an obedient child, I stood by my mom.

Now, fast forward to a few years later. I am in acting class at the exclusive ACT program for young people. I was the youngest by about three years. Now, instead of being proud of the fact that I was with the “older kids”…I lied and said i was 10, when I was a diminutive….7. I wanted desperately to be older, (and to wear hoop earrings, something my mother forbad till I was 13…another blog, another time)

FF again…to this bachelorette party in Boston this past weekend. For those of you who don’t know, I went to college in Boston. LOVED it. It was great to be back. But I couldn’t overcome the feeling of being OLD. It is such a college town and I am a (gulp) few years out of college. We were at this club that did not exist while I was receiving my Bachelors degree…but we went anyway off the recommendation of another friend. It was really fun…but as these men were hitting on me (sorry mom) they would ask, “how old are you”….without event thinking I quipped…”24″….WHAT? it’s not as if I even planned on lying….I just did. Am I THAT old, that I am at the stage of telling strangers I am younger than I am? I mean…don’t get me wrong, I don’t look a day over 26. But really? Lying to strangers? It was a funny little game…Maybe I was traveling back to my youth…maybe the youth of Boston made me feel 24 again (oy!). Whatever it was… it was funny…

…Like mother, Like daughter I guess.

So , I was on the plane today and I just happened to have three seats in a row….which means…the best plane ride ever. However for some random reason… the WHOLE plane was full, except for MY row. So after I woke up about 95% of the way to my destination, there was that line that occurs when people realize we are ready to land and everyone scurries to the match box sized bathroom. So I am stretching out from my peaceful nap and I am greeted with a plethora of STARES. This tall….tall man eyed me down like I was the devil, as if to say “ I am 17 feet tall and why did the midget get the air-bed?”….whatever…like I ASSIGNED my seats? I think not! The lovely JetBlue man, who I flirted with gave me the three seats in a row…it’s not my fault that he FELL for it…boys are dumb!

There are certain shows that I simply don’t watch…this is going to get some jeers…

Ok

So, even though it is based on my daily family life…I don’t watch the “sopranos” (even though my uncles are IN the show) because when it began I was out of the country for a few years and I missed the first few seasons…then people were like, “noooo, you have to see it from the beginning or you will be lost”…

Speaking of “lost” again, a show I do not watch because everyone INSISTS you can’t start that show in the middle…so I have them on my netflix list…

Other shows include, “everybody loves Raymond”, “Six Feet Under”, “Yes, Dear”, “Whoopi”, “CSI”, “The Parkers”, “Hope and Faith”, and “girlfriends”. There is really no reason I don’t watch these shows I just ….don’t. If they are on the background, i will let them play, But I could not tell you ONE plot line to “24″…HOWEVER…whenever “fraiser” comes on after “will and Grace” late night, I am propelled to the television to change the channel with a quickness. I am not sure WHY. Frasier never anything to me, and APPARENTLY it won several awards. But for some reason, the WHOLE show URKS me, I don’t know why. I have never watched the show, in order to make an educated decision to hate it…I just do.

I also hate AIDS.

My life is an endless cycle of auditioning, teaching, chipotle, learning how to use my razor phone and reality TV. I guess on paper I am kind of a loser. Maybe in real life I am too. NAH! my rack is FAR too fantastic to be a loser! I wiiiiiiiillll choooooose….on paper. thank you!

So I audition, I audition people for my upcoming directing job-ola. Yes, I am a big deal! There is a chipotle in mid town now, and everyday when I talk to Kurt I am either AT chipotle, heading TO chipotle or AT chipotle, either Kurt has a sixth sense or I am a border line fatty.

Can I ask WHY they play that “you had a bad day” song when they get kicked off American Idol. First of all…yeah! for you and the air time…but really…they are HAVING a bad day…40 million people just saw them get the ax, so they didn’t “HAD” a bad day they are in the MIDST of “HAVING” their bad day…

MY INTERPRETATION OF THE BAD DAY SONG…

Where is the moment we need at the most
THE MOMENT PEOPLE DIDN’T VOTE FOR ME…SO NOW I AM OFF THE SHOW
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
WHAT LEAVES? I AM AT THE KODAK THEATER LOOKING AT MY FAREWELL MONTAGE…SSSSHHHH

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
WHAT?
They tell me your passion’s gone away
UM….YEAH I WAS JUST KICKED OFF AMERICAN IDOL

And I don’t need no carryin’ on
WELL, IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS, I WILL GET A BRAODWAY SHOW OR MODEL FOR LL BEAN OR SOMETHING

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
WELL, COME ON NOW…I WASN’T GOING TO CRY
You’re faking a smile with the coffee to go
IF YOU DIDN’T FAKE IT PEOPLE WOULD KNOW I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY

You tell me your life’s been way off line
NO, SERIOUSLY ..I’M OK…I WILL BE ON LIVE! AND THE VIEW TOMORROW…IT’S COOL

You’re falling to pieces every time
WELL, NOT REALLY…MAYBE A LITTLE
And I don’t need no carryin’ on
I WOULDN’T GO THAT FAR…

Cause you had a bad day
AGAIN…HAVING

You’re taking one down
THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
I DID PICK THE WRONG SONG FOR MY VOICE LAST NIGHT.

You say you don’t know
I DON’T
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
I’M SMILING, OR ELSE AMERICA WILL THINK I AM AN A HOLE.
You had a bad day
I GOT IT!

The camera don’t lie
WHATEVER…IT MAKES RYAN SEACREST LOOK ABOVE 5 FEET AND ACE LOOK STRAIGHT
You’re coming back down and you really don’t mind
BACK TO THE MID WEST!
You had a bad day
I GET IT
You had a bad day
I FUCKING GET IT OK?????

The cool thing about the Apple store is when you are near one and waiting for a friend, you can hop in and check you email, or surf the web, or check friendster, or look at porn and create a really awkward environment for the people within eye shot of your screen…try it, it’s really funny.

Do you know what else is funny? When you do a SIMPLE dance combination and you have to do, step on the right but do something with your LEFT arm and visa versa….and then there is some special kid, who does same arm as leg? What a dumb ass…oh wait…THAT WAS ME! Maybe that is not as funny as it is tragically ridiculous.

Do you know what else is tragically ridiculous? When people are in a public place, be it, a store, a restaurant, the subway and they say INCREDIBLY stupid things. For example…a mother was scolding her son, that he was sick with a cold and not taking care of himself (he was about 17 or 18) to which he replied…”but MAHM, I’ve had like three Sunkist’s today”. Yeah. Sunkist. The orange Soda? is that tragically ridiculous? Or HILAIROUSLY funny? I can’t decide.

I HAVE decided however, that Taylor Hicks will be in the top three at least….because, not only does America love….people with grey hair who play the harmonica…but though I LOVE chris’ voice he is like watching paint dry a little. Though I have not actually, WATCHED paint dry, I have heard the expression used, and I assume the person who did, indeed sit and watch it dry, is pissed they wasted their time, but I digress…he’s boring. And Katherine Mcfee is good, she’ll get a Broadway show, but she is NO K. Clarkson, and Kelly Pickler? That “aw shucks…I’ve never had Calamari thing?” that is beyond annoying? right? Am I a minority? Maybe people love her…I don’t know…I think she is a little playing a part now…the Producers were like, “ok Kelly, you will never win on your talent….but if you keep up the my mama left me in a dumpster, my daddy is in prison, I ain’t got no edjamication mister” routine…you will get a lot further…”….Addicted nonethless.

OK. I will admit…I exaggerate.  I exaggerate to ENHANCE the story…usually for humors sake. But let me tell you my friends..this story is so fantastically RIDICULOUS! no exaggeration is necessary. Basically, I can’t make this shit up!

Hand to God…this all happened…WORD FOR WORD!

*The names in this story have been changed to protect the fucking CRAZY!

I was over at my friends house watching reality TV, a hobby we, being poor actors, happen to adore! . Since I recently moved, I have been hanging out with my friend (we will call her) MIK, she is really funny and sweet and hospitable towards her new neighbor. AND she bought me the BEST birthday present in the world- a chipotle gift card! So perfect for me! HA!

At any rate, her roommate is a nightmare, we will call her BAURA. When said roommate is in the apartment the other roommates usually leave, hide in their rooms, or find an excuse to leave. She is aggressive, rude she bosses them around like they were children, I have NEVER heard her say the word please, it’s always…"MIK, clean the kitchen…do this..do that…". She steals food (and lies about it) and chews like a cow when she does,  she picks on her roommates insecurities in front of people and insults them constantly. They live in fear that she will trash their rooms because she has a history of doing so to ex boyfriends. She is a text book NIGHTMARE!

So…on with the story…I went over there other night, and had to use the bathroom, there was a bunch of hair in the toilet (crazy girls hair is falling out…cause…SHE’S CRAZY!) and tissues, I flushed and proceeded to pee, i felt little droplets of water and looked and it was clogged. I stopped peeing..a skill only women have mastered…and told Baura. She said…(word for word)

"well, plunge your fucking piss"

WHAT? really?

to which I said "excuse me?"

"you heard me…plunge your fucking piss".

So, my pent up frustration towards this girl went off…an argument ensued…screaming…throughout the event…I was mostly laughing…because she was so ridiculous!

DING! Round one…she screams..

"you come over to my house…clog MY toilet and you won’t plunge it"

"I didn’t clog it."

"well, you were the last one to use it…"

DING! Round two…name calling.

I won’t go into it. My mom reads this blog. I was pretty funny though.

DING! round three…the topper!

She told me to leave her house! (Which she shares with 3 other people.) Obviously, my friend MIK would not make me leave, and defended me.

She then…

drum roll…

CALLS THE COPS!

"yes, this is Baura…There is a girl in my apartment who won’t leave and she is threatening me…"

It was hilarious! Then her roommates told me it was the third time this month she has called the cops. She is obviously unstable and comes from a family where calling the cops is an OK thing, like checking your email or having a beer.

I have told this story 27 times, make it 28!

I think it looses something in translation, being there in person is way better, SO…

To those coming to my party, I will reenact this event, in its entirety!

Let me preface this blog by saying I KNOW I am not cool. I am somewhat dorky, I will substitute style for comfort, sporting sneakers and a backpack for a long day of running around town. But I was in Soho today and I realized that I am infact the antithesis of cool. I am not rich enough, hot enough, my eyewear is sub par, my $300 (intentionally messy) layered haircut is Nowhere near perfection…but I love that “Soho” mentality. You know that vibe… where you sit in a cafe and FACE the street! Not face the person you are actually having coffee with, but rather to strategically place your seat for optimum people judging…I mean watching. Don’t get me wrong, I like to people judge with the best of them, but I do it in civilized places, like the mall or central park.

Alas, me and my seven jeans (very 2003 by Soho standards), my (wouldn’t be caught dead in anywhere south of 14th st.) Uggs and bomber jacket raced back to the old NRW to get back to the comfort and familiarity of midtown…where I am loved for my back packed totting loserdom.

On another note…Don’t you hate it when you do an internal debate as to take the subway/bus or walk. Because if the bus/subway were to come in the next THREE minutes, you will totally be on time. Three minutes pass and the lazy ass in you thinks…”two more minutes” then you snooze button yourself into waiting 15 minutes and then you give yourself a mental ass kicking because you could have been where you are going if you only walked? Yeah I hate that too.

UGH! Oscars. SUCH good times.

Highlights.

Reese. The dress, the award, the speech, the woman. She is classy Hollywood. I love her.

Jon Stewart. Though he was a much more watered down version of himself he was good times.

Ben Stiller. Better times. The green suit? loved it!

Lauren Bacall AND Morgan Freeman stuttering. STUTTERING on their presentations. You got $o9823098piu4po28498 worth of a gift bag to STUTTER! genius!  Really? Are you going to stutter.

Jen Gardner Tripping. Not only did you trip jenny, but tripped saving yourself from your trip. A double trip! Classic.

The conductor. When they panned on him, he had like 56 packs of M & M’s on his music stand. He was POUNDING M&M’s to ease the stress.

The music beginning before the award recipients even BEGAN to speak. I’d like to thank (cue music) the academy. My mother (crescendo in music), my wonderful husband (the music swells even more)…hilarious.

"The Pimp" song winning. I really just think that was a secret inside joke among the academy. They thought it would be a good chuckle if they could announce it and have lots of stuffed shirts using the word "pimp" in their everyday vocabulary. Well done academy. Well done.

LOW LIGHTS

Charlese’s bird Paradise of on her shoulder. She was physically INCAPABLE of looking over her left shoulder…all night

Michelle Williams NOT winning. She was hands down the best actor in that film! She  really should have won.

The TOOLS who wore the big bow ties, and proceeded to put the stupid bows on their statues. And THAT is why my friends, you will not get laid for a long, long while.

Keira Knightly’s posture. This girl is a STAR. she is beyond gorgeous and she HUNTCHED all night. She is 7 foot 8 and she was wearing vera Wang and she was slouched throughout the night. Are you serious? Did they not teach you that in the UK? Finishing school anyone? She is damn near a fetus she was FRONT ROW at the Academy Awards…I would walk like a freakin’ peacock! PEACOCK! (insert relevant "Brokeback" joke here.)

I have to admit I was really waiting for Ang to thank everyone for seeing "BLOKEBLACK" Mountain. Alas his diction was kinda good. But he did start his speech with "I wish I could quit you"…BOO!

Highlight of the day???

A  Woman walking her CAT. on a leash. In Crate and Barrel. When my friend Vanessa asked about it, the owner replied…"oh she loves crate and barrel". wait???? the cat?

I think I am a pretty upbeat person. Don’t get me wrong…I like a bitch and moan with the best of em’. But on a daily basis, I am pretty fun loving. I think that is the best way to be. We are in a business that is so difficult, and grating on our soul. It is shocking to me how some people can be so DEPRESSED all the time. really? Isn’t that exhausting? To constantly be down and out?

Everyone gets down, sad, low, self conscience (I love that word con-science-haha) but at the same time, to let it CONSUME you, is counter productive, right?. I see people who are like that, and I am so curious as to how they live.

Then the BEST is when they project it onto you…HA! love it. I am not sure what it is about me that people feel the need to SCHOOL me on my flaws… I just want to say

" I am FULLY aware of my short comings…I certainly don’t need people to point them out to me… Please find the therapists who accept CIGNA (Equity insurance) please…ASAP."

But I don’t. hahaha.

Ellyn’s list of things to be happy about:
(in no particular order)

Diet Dr. Pepper
Project Runway and American Idol
Funny/embarrassing stories that are funnier when re-told
Coffee Haagen Daas ice Cream
Uggs (sorry…they are comfy as HELL- is hell comfy? )
Random emails from a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while
Chipotle in my neighborhood
text messages at inappropriate times
Traveling
Digital cameras
Dogs
The success of friends and family
examples: (just a few-there are MANY more)

My mom getting invited to get her black belt
My brother John for kicking ass at his new job
My other brother Joe for buying a SECOND home (yeah he’s younger than me)
My friend Nick for being in the original cast of "Tarzan"
My neighbor Michelle who is an NYPD getting promoted to Sergent
My friend Angela is having a baby BOY!
My friend Jimmy got a national Sprint commerical
My friend Gaelen getting bumped up to Madam Morrible US in "Wicked"
My friend Taryn producing a new off Broadway show
My friend Patrick who got his SECOND book picked up
My cousin Amy for buying her first house with her new husband
My friend Rick for playing the paino in the pit for the 1st national of "Spamalot"
all my awesome friends who put it out there day after day in this business we call show! It’s hard damn work…!

Shit gets me down too!!! I am by NO means fabu all the time… But to all you depressed peeps…come on! Turn it upside down…the frown, I mean.

Anyway, I got to see a couple shows this week….always fun to see theater with friends or with friends in it! I always feel a surge of motivation when I see a show…which is great! but I also feel confident at the same time…seeing my peers…it’s cool.

Life is simple. To me there are two types of days:

American Idol days

and

NOT American Idol days.

Simple right?
I can clearly define my day as to
whether or not American Idol will be gracing my television at the end
of the night. Is that bad? I know that people are over it. The
conspiracy’s theory’s, Paula doing younger guys, keeping sub par
talent….blah-blah-blah. But at the end of the day…it is GREAT TV.
Though I admit, my heart goes out for the people who truly believe
they are stars. But it’s not their fault….SOMEONE, somewhere told
them they had talent.  Their deaf music teacher, their grandmother,
paster, coach, brother, Gardner…SOMEONE
told these people, "you know what? Have you ever thought of going on
American Idol? You should!". Like that poor little retarded cowboy.
Who’s never been on a plane, or seen the ocean. He got through. SONNAOFABITCH!
He got through. Good for him…good tv! You little freakish, jumping,
cowboy….everyone loves an under-dog. GO….SING LIKE THE WIND YOU
WEIRD… COWBOY… UNDER DOG…. BOY!

I’m sorry. I love the highs, the lows, the tears, the sobbing mothers,
the screaming voice teachers…bring it on. VIVA LA AI5? 5? 6? I dunno,
it’s been a while.

On that note…
I love being jobless. (hint: please note sarcasm) I love, pinching my
pennies and not knowing when my next pay check will be. I can’t wait
for my tax return.

Speaking of poor out of work former pop stars….Britney…Britney, Britney, Britney. Really? You DROVE with your baby in your arms. Do the stalkarazzi’s not follow you enough? They question your talent, your clothes, your taste in men, your sex life…NOW your mothering skills? Poor girl.

Sorry Brit. it must be done

Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
that you need a car seat

My friend Stephen from "Damn Yankees" printed out the translation from "My Humps" that black eyed peas song and it was the "White" version….and it’s hysterical.  Because quite frankly, there are people who do not know what a lovely lady lump is…and to those people….I’m sorry.

Anyway, oh blog, it has been so long since I have written to you. I will be better….I promise!

Okay here is a funny story. My friend Kurt came to DC (sup Kurt) and he wanted to go to a dance club. So we went to this place called Nation in the ghetto fabulous south west part of our nations capital. I haven’t been in one of  these in so long. Mind you there is smoking allowed in doors (bars, restaurants, convalescent homes…you know the uuush), so you walk in in are blasted with the cigarette smoke, which is fine…only my sevens reek the next morning. BOO! I love to go dancing, but I love to people watch even more. So since the music wasn’t blowing me over, I pulled over and watched the madness around me.

Why are people so weird? OK. So right next to us was awkward gay couple. A middle aged Asian guy who was CLEARLY a computer programmer (who had a sidekick before they were popular. In fact, he probably invented the side kick) and a kind of nerdy older gay. Now I am not taking anyones right to happiness away…we all deserve the happy. We all deserve a little pickle tickle. I am not taking that away from them. But you know when you look at people and you know they would just make ugly love? I won’t go into details as my mom reads this blog (hi mom)…but they are kind of awkwardly bumping and grinding on the 1 and the 3 and not looking at each other, with their white sneakers, there shirt tucked into there tapered jeans and there beeper and their cell phones clipped to their pants…I would just imagine them going home together, hopped up on an amstel light or two and it would just be….a mess.

Onto the young lesbians. These aren’t REAL lesbians. they are the teenagers that kiss girls to get boys attention. "Hey look at us…we’re drunk lesbians…" no you’re not.  you’re drunk sluts. There’s a difference.

Then there are the girls. And by girls I mean the skinny, heroine chic boys who wear tight deisel pants, lip gloss and glitter and a tight t-shirt that says "fierce" who OD on vodka and red bull. You’re not fierce, your mom didn’t breast feed you long enough.

I tell you there are character studies to be had at dance clubs. Love it!

on that note….I met Moises Kaufman.

how cool is THAT?
He wrote "The Laramie Project" PEOPLE!

American Idol tonight….SO excited! aaaaaand I’m a tool.